Glastonbury: A Guide For Beginners

June 2016

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on acquiring tickets. Like gold dust.

But how do you prepare for Glastonbury?!

Let's start with the basics. I'll presume that you, like us have dropped all your hard-earned pounds on tickets which set you back £233 a pop, so the pre-erected tent 'glamping' option may be slightly out of reach.

Never fear, for there are acres upon acres of farmland (later mud) at the beautiful Worthy Farm for you to pitch your tent on. You and 135,000 other people.

What to pack

Tent: Invest wisely in your tent, or one heavy period of rain can render you waking in a puddle, leaving you to resort to a makeshift repair job. If possible, try to be familiar with how your tent is set up, and take a headlamp. Just in case your coach is delayed and stuck in traffic so instead of arriving at 8:30pm, you get in at 1:00am and you have to pitch your brand-new tent in the pitch black. 

Makeshift repair job

Gumboots: aka 'Wellingtons'. Crucial when you are navigating such muddy terrain all day, every day.

Baby wipes: One large pack each, min. Showers are possible but difficult to find depending on where your camp field. Embrace the baby wipe. Embrace the 'pommie shower'. Embrace the dirt, the grime and the mud. Be the filth.

Battery Chargers: A good idea unless you deem queuing for hours to recharge your phone time well spent.

Attire: Expect all weather. Dancing to Jeff Lynne's ELO in a poncho comes with its own challenges. But you make it work. Pack your poncho. But then you'll also need your sunnies, because you'll get sun and rain, sometimes at the same time.

Steve and Mike modelling sunglasses AND ponchos. Bases: covered.

What to expect

Mud: You will grow very accustomed to mud. By the end of your stay you will have profiled different types of mud; sloppy mud (good), smelly mud (bad), sticky mud (ugly). 

Meg and Mike negotiating the 'path'

Donkey!

Glitter: Essential or non-essential depending on your personal viewpoint.

 

Toilets: Mouth-breathing is the key to survival. I can't begin to recommend this highly enough. It's difficult to convey just how repulsive the smell was. Mouth-breathing. 

Political turmoil: If your Glastonbury coincides with an election, or say for argument's sake, a Brexit referendum , expect to wake up to a large amount of loud cursing as your respective neighbours in your campsite wake up one by one to the upsetting news that United Kingdom is to leave the EU.

Crowds: So. Many. People.

Breakfast baguette: Bacon, sausages,
mushrooms, fried egg. You've got all
your major food groups covered.
Mostly.

Food and Drink: The food at Glastonbury is really good. The sheer number of food trucks and different types of cuisine is amazing. We essentially ate our way around the festival: Ostrich Burgers to Pad Thai and everything in between.

The local steel manufacturers produced pint cups that you could buy for a fiver and get a refund at the end if you wanted. Alternatively you could keep it, and buy a sheepskin offcut cosy so your hand stayed warm.

You're going to need a game plan

Start each day with a game plan. Most of the music kicks off after lunch and continues till about 12:30am. Use your mornings to explore the massive festival grounds and all the amazing musical and non-musical things.

You could become a hippie in the 'Green Fields'.

Liam Burt!

Again, Liam!

     

You can find friends under the Glastonbury sign.

  

You can attend a 'silent disco' with a pint of Worthy Farm's finest dairy product.

 

You can get a copy of the Glastonbury Times hot off the press.

Printing press

You can check out the circus, or a comedian or two, indulge in some local Somerset cider. Catch a film, a debate, have a massage. There's something for everyone.

Most importantly you have to plan out your gigs for the day. The masochists in charge schedule lots of fantastic acts at the same time over the five main stages to prevent over-crowding. This is both logical and infuriating. Sacrifices must be made. Getting between stages can take about 30mins through the crowds and the mud, and the muddy-crowds. 

Our days turned out like this:

Wednesday Thursday morning before sparrows' fart: arrive and set up

Thursday - explore (the main music doesn't start until Friday)

'Feel the Real Sound System' on the Blues Stage

Friday:

• Skepta 
• Bastille
• The Lumineers
• Sigur Ros
• Muse

Saturday:

• Example
• The 1975
• Shibusashirazu Orchestra 
• Tame Impala
• Adele

The 1975

Tame Impala

Adele; amazing. With an audience that spanned from little old ladies to 'lads'
who peed where they stood so they didn't lose their place.

Sunday:

• Caravan Palace
• Of Monsters and Men 
• Matt Corby
• Jeff Lynn's ELO
• Ellie Goulding
• Coldplay

Jeff Lynne's ELO.
Aforementioned pint cup and sheepskin cosy.

Coldplay with special guest Barry Gibb

Don't miss Arcadia. In short, Arcadia is a giant alien spider that spews fire and lasers. The DJ sits inside the stomach of the beast, it's mental. 

Arcadia

Clean up

You will be tired and sore. It's worth it. And afterwards you will inevitably bring home a substantial amount of Worthy Farm. Good luck cleaning that off everything in your small London flat.

Go forth, get filthy and rock!